


A Bone to Pick With You

by jellybeanforest



Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon)
Genre: Arguments as Foreplay, Cap-Ironman Bingo, Cap_Ironman Tiny Reverse Bang, Getting Together, M/M, Second puberty, Unwanted erections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25865890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest
Summary: Due to the serum throwing his hormones into overdrive, Steve gets random erections at the most inopportune of times. A few years on and he has it mostly under control, but one day, he’s fighting Tony Stark, trying to bodily box him in, and Steve Jr. decides to sit up and take notice.Tony notices as well.For the 2020 Cap-IronMan Tiny Reverse Bang and Cap-IronMan Bingo 2020 Round 2 – O2 Photo Prompt. Based on a prompt (EXTREMIS) by marumo.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 34
Kudos: 225
Collections: 2020 Cap/Iron Man Tiny Reverse Bang, Captain America/Iron Man Bingo





	A Bone to Pick With You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marumo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marumo/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Keep A Proper Distance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25164658) by [marumo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marumo/pseuds/marumo). 



> I’m trying to get as many of the tiny reverse bang prompts done as possible, and I’m about three weeks behind, so have a quick fic. 
> 
> Also, full disclosure: I’ve seen approximately two episodes of AA and several out-of-context scenes of Steve being a sassy bitch. My takeaway is this: Tony is a HUGE Cap fan, and Steve very much values Tony even though they’re always arguing and ribbing each other. Also, they’re married. That’s just canon. I don’t make the news; I just report it.

“There were other effects. The serum was not ready,” Dr. Erskine had told him the night before his procedure.

That had been an understatement.

Granted, the version of the serum Steve had received was far superior to what Schmidt had injected into himself. Yes, Steve’s metabolism had ramped up, but it hadn’t caused his skin to flake off at an impressive rate, revealing the emaciated red flesh underneath. Of course, it had resulted in a corresponding uptick in Steve’s appetite, and he ran hot, but luckily there had been no physical trauma associated with his body running at peak human perfection.

Nor had the serum driven him insane, but then again, Erskine had said it amplifies everything inside and out, and Schmidt had always been a bit off, even before Red Skull.

Still, the new and improved (but still experimental) formula had its side effects. Steve couldn’t get drunk, nor could he be properly anesthetized, and he had to urinate frequently – all side effects of an elevated metabolism. Additionally, whereas before he was allergic to all nuts, now he had to munch on the high-calorie treat almost constantly between meals to maintain muscle mass. The other Avengers are jealous of his ability to demolish an entire large bag of peanut M&M’s in a single sitting without gaining a single pound while the rest of them contemplated the wisdom of indulging in their next cheat meal, but really, it could be inconvenient at times, especially if he happened to be stuck fifteen miles behind enemy lines with nothing but tinned C-rations to split between ten men.

But Steve had endured all this with little complaint. After all, Erskine had gifted him exactly what he had wanted – the ability to serve his country – and it seemed in poor taste to get hung up on the resultant inconveniences, both minor and not-so-minor.

But the random erections… now those were something else entirely.

“Oh hell, Rogers,” Dum Dum Dugan had complained after they had liberated a small French village. “Again?”

Steve had covered himself with his shield. “You know I can’t help it.”

Apparently, in a bid to craft the perfect soldier, the serum had thrown Steve’s body into a veritable hormonal storm, a second puberty if you will.

“The Fritzes already think this ultraviolence shit gives you a stiffy. What do you think _perversling_ means? They find it disturbing.”

“Who cares what these Nazi pricks think?” Bucky had said in his defense. “Steve already said he can’t do anything about it, and it’s not like he’s actually getting off on any of this.”

That much was true. Steve wasn’t even sexually aroused most of the time when he popped an erection; it’s just something that happened to him involuntarily on occasion, like a sneeze or a leg cramp. But eventually, after the first few years, he had gotten his condition mostly under control.

And then came the ice, the Avengers, and finally, the man himself: Tony _fucking_ Stark.

It’s not that Steve is trying to keep his condition a secret from the others. Between the attacks from their various nemeses – Red Skull, Modok, vampires, the Cabal – it had simply slipped his mind, improbable though it may seem.

And so by the time Steve Jr. finally decides to make his grand debut, it just so happens to coincide with the least opportune moment possible.

“You should have stuck to the plan!” Steve bellows, having followed Tony into his lab after their most-recent battle.

The suit peels away, revealing the man in question wearing only his skin-tight black undersuit. Steve is normally appreciative of the way the spandex hugged Tony’s form, leaving virtually nothing to the imagination, but not today, not when he has a bone to pick with him.

“Well, that went right out the window when laser sharks were introduced. Your plan didn’t account for sharks with lasers mounted on their skulls!”

“It’s an evolving situation, but you know to stick to the basics! You went in without any backup, without telling us what you were thinking!” Steve crosses his arms, one hand up to massage his forehead, his face twisted in self-righteous anger. “Were you even thinking?”

“Well, it worked,” Tony points out.

“This time!”

Tony backs into his workstation to covertly grab a remote, clearly meaning to put his lab in lockdown, trapping Steve inside after he storms out to get dressed for his charity gala.

That trick only works exactly once on a man like Steve.

So instead, Steve tries to snatch it from him, but Tony holds it up out of reach, turning away to keep the other man from the device, like a child.

Narrowing his eyes, Steve nearly dives for the remote. “Give me that!”

Tony closes his fist tightly around the device. “No!”

As they struggle, Steve grabs Tony by the waist from behind, reaching out for his fist as Tony leans forward to keep it out of range, thereby pressing his ass into Steve’s groin. It also happens to be the exact moment Steve Jr. decides to sit up and take notice of the situation.

“Whoa! What the–” Steve’s grip falters as Tony stiffens and pulls away, his gaze pointedly settling on the offending protuberance. “Steve! Is that– what the hell?”

Steve covers himself much too late, his righteous annoyance draining away to horrified embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

“I know Clint is always calling our fights foreplay.”

“I can explain–”

“I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a little banter now and then–”

“You see, I’ve got this thing. It’s kind of a medical iss–”

“But at least buy a guy dinner first,” Tony finishes.

“…What?”

 _That’s_ his objection?

Tony shrugs. “Yeah, at least buy me dinner before you try to– how do I say this delicately–” he looks up, rolls his hand in consideration before settling on: “Fuck your way through my undersuit. It’s only polite.”

Steve can’t believe it. “Wait. Back up… you’re saying you’d be open to something like that? With me?”

“After we get a meal together. On a date. I’m not a complete harlot despite reports to the contrary.” He grabs his holographic StarkPad off the counter, projecting his schedule in transparent blue. “And would you look at that? I’m completely free this evening.”

Unfortunately for Tony, Steve _can_ read. “That says you have a charity function.” He also recalls, “You were just about to leave to get dressed.”

Tony closes the hologram, putting it aside as he rounds the counter of the lab’s kitchenette. “Something more important just came up.” He rummages through the cabinets, sneaking a peek at Steve. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s already prepaid. I donate millions to cancer research every year, even without the fancy dinner party so us donors can pat ourselves on the back.”

Well, if that’s the case, Steve supposes he should ask Tony out properly.

“Now about that date. Would you–”

“Catch,” Tony tosses him a full meal-replacement bar – something he had concocted when he realized how often Steve had to keep up on his snacking between meals. He commandeers one for himself. “One for you, and one for me. We can eat on the way up the elevator to my penthouse.”

Steve lifts a brow. “Is this what you meant by a dinner date?”

“Ever heard of speed-dating?” Tony asks before telling him. “Now don’t insult my cooking, Steven. Otherwise, no dessert.” He speeds past Steve towards the foyer. “First one to the elevator gets to top.”

**Author's Note:**

> The bit about the Avengers being jealous that Steve can eat whatever he wants and still look like Captain America is from Scarlett Johansson's interview about how ridiculous Chris Evans' body is. The interviewer asked her about his workout routine, saying Evans claims he only has to work out one hour a day and eats whatever he wants. She doesn't want to hear it. She says he eats gummy bears and skittles on set and stays Captain America-fit, while she's munching on dry popcorn.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Captain Tight Pants (One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599506) by [Neverever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neverever/pseuds/Neverever)




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